Few sentences are harder to say out loud than “I don’t know”. It ranks right up there with “I owe you an apology” in the pantheon of phrases we’d rather avoid. And yet, not saying it when it matters creates something far worse for the person on the other end: frustration.

So the real question is — does our own discomfort really outweigh someone else’s frustration? Especially when we never even feel theirs?

Nobody really knows#

In our line of work, truly knowing something has become harder than ever. That might sound dramatic, but think about it. New technologies pop up every few months. The simplest binary you ship is the compiled result of dozens of dependencies you’ve never read. Systems are so distributed that a single request travels through a maze of services before it gets a response.

Outside your own narrow area of expertise, “I don’t know” is the norm. Knowing is the exception.

The cost of a random answer#

Now picture this: someone posts a question in a Slack channel or a forum. They’re stuck. They need help to move forward. You don’t really know the answer, but instead of staying quiet or admitting it, you throw something out there — an unverified guess, a half-remembered hunch, your best approximation of what the answer should be.

To the person asking, this looks like a light at the end of the tunnel. Finally, a lead. So they dig in. They follow your trail. But because the trail leads nowhere, they come up empty. Worse, they assume the problem is them. After all, someone told them the answer was right there, so if they can’t find it, they must be doing something wrong.

So they push harder. They double down. They waste hours chasing a ghost until they eventually give up.

If they’re thoughtful enough to reflect on what happened, they’ll never trust your input again. And regardless, they’ll walk away with nothing but frustration from the whole experience.

The value of silence#

On the flip side, saying nothing — or simply saying “I don’t know” — doesn’t give them anything, sure. But it doesn’t take anything away either. It saves them from that frustration spiral, and all it costs you is a small moment of discomfort.

Of course, there’s a whole spectrum of useful responses between silence and a wild guess. You can suggest a direction to explore, point to where you’d start looking, or describe how you’d approach the problem yourself. All of that is valuable — as long as it’s honest. The key is removing ambiguity. If you offer a lead, make it clear that it’s just that — a lead. Let the other person know that if it doesn’t pan out quickly, they should drop it without second-guessing themselves.

That kind of honesty does two things: it respects their time, and it gives them a real choice.

Speak less, be heard more#

Wanting to help is admirable. Wanting to be the person who always has an answer is understandable. But doing so at the cost of someone else’s time and sanity isn’t helping — it’s performing.

All of this, just because we couldn’t accept the small discomfort of three little words.

Try saying “I don’t know” as often as the situation calls for it. And the more you say it, the less it stings. You might be surprised by what happens next: when you do speak, people will stop what they’re doing and listen — because they’ll know that when you talk, it actually means something.